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02:46am 30/12/2002
  i made a new lj...if anyone cares...just ask



-RACHEL**


p.s. if i dont like you i wont give you my new one
 
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the usual routine...   
01:11am 30/12/2002
 
mood: awake
today i woke up early thinking i had work...then i called work and they told me i did not have to be there until 5, what a relief, i just went back to bed...i slept until 1, i realised the sleeping pills work well...yet i was still exhausted all day...maybe i am so used to no sleep that it has to stay that way...i think i will call my doctor and tell him about it...i have to work over 36 hours this week...talk about exciting...NOT...i have started to put money away for a car...ABOUT TIME...i wish my other car had not died on me...i guess it goes with all the other bad luck i always have...today when i woke up i took a shower and Frank came over...after work matt picked me up and we came to my house so i could change and then we went to frank's house...it is kinda awesome that we are all friends with each other(me, eric, frank, matt, and krystal)none of us ever seem to be alone(unless the weather is horrid)...haha...i do not know what i would do if i did not have them...there would probably be a big whole inside me that was labeled LIFE...haha...maybe not, jeez...i love them but they are not my life...haha...i love them enough to say they are a big part of my life tho...eric pretty much is my brother, krystal and frank are my all time best friends, and matt is the sweetest boyfriend of all time...i guess they pretty much are my family...i think im off to bed or something right now.
*Rache*
 
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here goes...   
12:06am 29/12/2002
 
mood: annoyed
well last night was my party...it was fun...now i know who cares enought o celebrate my birthday with me...matt wrote me a song and last night near the end of my party he played guitar and sung it to me...i have to say it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me...hehe...i had a great night except for the fact i had to go to work at 8 this morning...i worked until 6 and i am pooped, and have to work at 11 tomorrow...i never get to sleep in anymore :(...after work matt picked me up and we came to my house...i got changed and matt, my little sister and i went to newbury comics and the mall...we had fun...toni bought candy and she was banging the bag against her knee and it broke :(...so much for 12 dollars worth of candy...poor toni...then matt and i just snuggied up in my bed and watched a movie cuz we were both tired...i bought sleeping pill things because i am never able to fall asleep...hopefully tomorrow night when i take them it works...sleep would be nice for a change...it has been about 2 months since i have had a good nights sleep and it is about time i sleep well...haha...tonight i bought 2 new cds...Zao and the Thursday cd that i dont have...tonight at the mall a bunch of ppl that i saw said happy birthday...i dont know how they new but they said they heard about my party...thats funny...my friend jeff came to my house near the end, i had not seen him in sooooo long, it was nice to see him again...i think thats all for now.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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12:02am 27/12/2002
 
mood: happy
well...it is officialy my birthday...haha...i am beginning to realise how much my friends mean to me...today krissy-kris came to my house and gave me my birthday present, it is great...she got me a pink sweatshirt, cuz pink is my favorite color...and she got me a pair of sox that have pink pom poms and cherries, i love cherries...and tonight i went out with my friend brianna and her family and she bought me a jar of cherries and italian salad dressing...hahaha...i got her a jar of fluff and a thing of apple juice...haha...GOOD TIMES B...good times...i love my friends soooo much...cant wait til tomorrow, even if only the people i know are coming come i will be wicked happy cuz at least i will know someone cares...love to all my friends, you know who you are.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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if only i were 5 again!!!   
09:32pm 25/12/2002
 
mood: aggravated
I wish i was still a little kid...I had problems, but i was too young to actually understand them...As you get older everything seems to go downhill.

today my sister woke me up at 1030 to go to my moms house, i was hoping i could sleep in...i stayed until 5 but then i couldnt stand it anymore, i spent half the day asleep in my moms bed...haha...what a great christmas...when i got home i cleaned my room...it kinda sux cuz all my plans were cancelled cuz of the snow and i am left at my house...im prolly gonna take a nice long bubble bath and put on my new jammies and go lay in my bed with my new sheets and watch a movie...my new sheets are so much prettier then the ones i had on before, now they have stars and moons opposed to the blue ones dave got me at k-mart...haha...well my birthday is friday and i have to do some major cleaning before then...oh well i guess thats what happens when you invite a house full of people over...haha...i have work from 2-7 tomorrow and have to fit in cleaning around it...grr...i have to clean my whole house because my family is a bunch of slobs...lalala...well i am off to take my bath now...oh did i mention that my brother got me a hermit crab that he named master roshi...haha, i hate it but he made me take it home...love to all of you.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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12:15am 25/12/2002
  AtAr1s187: but i just want to take this oppurtunity to say i love you very much and i am so happy we met, and i hope i get to say this next christmas




thats all...i love my boy
 
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christmas...   
11:58pm 24/12/2002
 
mood: content
well...im not to sure if it is christmas right now or if it is still christmas eve...i had a pretty good christmas eve...i had to work 1230-5 which wasnt too bad, i got money for it or i am anyways...then i came home and slept and had chinese food for dinner...Ed came over and he let me drive his car, hahaha...we went to krystals house and then to frank's house...then we dropped krystal off and went to ed's house...i realised i am hopeless at anything that has to do with music besides sing...any instrument people try to teach me just doesnt work, but people say i have a good voice so at least i have a little potenial in one aspect...haha...my dad got me a jacket, jeans, and a sweater for christmas...so much better then the gift certificates he usually gets, at least now i know he knows what i like...lol...::yawns::im kinda tired...i wanna talk to matt...this morning i was watching my neice and had to take a shower before work and could not leave her alone so matt offered to come over and watch her while i took a shower...he is so sweet...he thinks she is wicked funny...its cute...i wanted to spend more time with him today, but he had to go to connecticute with his family...i hope to see him tomorrow...but i think it is time for me to go to bed now...love to you all...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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01:36am 24/12/2002
 
mood: tired
well...it is really cool how people leave comments in my lj and dont leave a name...but i guess its all good considering you can delete them anyways...not like it bothers me or anything cuz i know its not true.
I just got home...i went to see the lord of the rings 2 with joe and ed...it was awesome just like i knew it was going to be...then we went to dominos and joe bought pizza...haha...then we went to joe's house and ate pizza and watched lilo and stitch...it was a cute movie...thats about all that happened in my night...im out...i love my boy even tho he gets mad easily...love to all my friends.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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10:59am 23/12/2002
 
mood: pissed off
well here is the scoop...Friday night i got wicked drunk, but i didnt even realise i drank so much...i passed out and woke up at 600 a.m. to Frank's alarm going off, ON A SATURDAY...it sucked a bit...Krystal and Frank informed me of everything that happened the night before...haha...the problem was i was wicked hung over and i had work at 1130...i went back to sleep and woke up with enough time to take a shower and go to work, the problem was getting the energy to do so...haha...it took me a while, but i got in the shower and went to work but did not get there until 12...as soon as i walked in he told me to go home cuz he said i looked terrible...then Frank drove me home and i slept til 2 when i had to go to a christmas party at my moms house...i just told everyone i was sick...not like they knew the truth...haha...then i went with eric and matt to eds house for a christmas party...by then i was feeling fine...we stayed until ed got out of work and Frank and Krystal came...matt got me this really pretty neclace for Christmas...it is a silver heart with my birthstone in it...i was supposed to hang out with Ed last night, he has been upset or something lately and i wanted him to talk to me...but apparently Matt got all mad so Ed said we couldnt hang out and we prolly never could...so now i am mad at Matt, he just does not know it...i hate it when i can't hang out with guys im friends with because my boyfriend doesnt like it...grr...i dont wanna go to work today i have to work at antons 2-7...but i have to talk to ed before that, cuz we made plans to hang out tonight and i still wanna hang out...people suck...love to you all.
xoxo
*rache*
 
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11:48pm 19/12/2002
 
mood: aggravated
la la la la la la la la la la la la la ...wouldnt it kinda rule if i could move far away and live with a completely differnt identity...it would prolly make me wicked happy...a whole new life with all new people...kinda like you are starting all over...but then again i dont know what i would do without a select number of people who i care about more then anything...grr...life really is horrid sometimes.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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goodness, not again...   
01:17am 19/12/2002
 
mood: confused
i am trying to peice things together in the best way physiacaly possible but it is not working...nothing seems right anymore...nothing...i have been sad and i dont know why, it just comes out of nowhere, and it hurts...today i was hanging out with matt, eric, and krystal...i was fine, then all of a sudden i got wicked sad/pissed off...i just cant figure anything out anymore...i dont know where i belong and who my real friends are...i cant tell who loves me and who doesnt...im glad i have matt...he knew i was sad today and he came to my house with me and layed with me til i fell asleep(laying right by my side with hi arms wrapped around me)...im glad that i found someone like him...i keep telling my little sister i hate her...i dont even know if i do or not...she always knows the right thing to say to just put me over the edge and make me cry, she just doesnt know it cuz i dont cry in front of people anymore...i have a habbit of keeping everything in...heartache, my love for people, my hurt, my feelings in general...i am able to tell people i love them, but i am not able to express my true emotions...WHY AM I always pushed down in the sand?...i dont know what to do with myself anymore...i think i need help...today i wrote a letter to dave telling him that he shouldnt talk about me, cuz he is supposed to be the mature one or thats what he seems to think...yet at the same time he is out there talking about me and i have not said a single word about him to anyone, nothing bad anyways...but im not gonna send it...the furthest distance i can keep from that kid the better...i think im getting sick on top of everything else that is wrong...i need to go far away...im out
xoxo
*Rache*

(the slits in my arms match the slice in your throat)
 
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10:50pm 17/12/2002
  im wicked pumped...haha...Frank's car broke, but his dad let him use one they had...it is a standard and Frank has never driven a standard so he kept stalling it...haha...im glad he got a new car tho...i saw him on sunday, but i missed him anyways...i guess with best friends thats the way it works...i dunno what i would do without krissy-kris and Frank...they are the best...Frank and I are gonna go christmas shopping on Friday...i hope i have enough money in my paycheck or else i will have to borrow money from my dad...we all know how much i hate borrowing money from people...oh well...i got my brand new cd back from frank...thank goodness, i dont know what i was gonna do...im lost without my music...but i think im out for now...until next time kiddos.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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03:57pm 17/12/2002
 
mood: happy
well i just finished up a report i had to do for chemistry, it was the worst and came out being six pages...haha...saturday will be a month for Matt and I...very exciting, we are also hanging out tomorrow and friday and saturday...i am pumped...lol...he is the sweetest thing in the world, i swear it...lol...everything is so perfect...the chorus show went well...but now i am not in chorus anymore because i had to go to a higher math class and they made that for the block i had chorus...it sux...i love anything that has to do with music...Friday is spac and i am going to see my boys(matt, ed, eric, john) band play...i am having a little party on my birthday...that shall be fun, so far everyone is coming, i dunno if that is a good thing cuz i invited like 30 people and i have a little house...haha...i cant wait...i love my friends...they are the greatest...but im out...i love all my friends.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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12:59am 11/12/2002
 
mood: aggravated
i just want him as a friend...this is what he said "the funny thing about having your heart ripped out is that you dont gotta feel anything anymore. i feel nothing. thats what you left me with. i did everything i could for you. and you chose someone else" i didnt choose someone else, we werent together when i kissed someone else...i guess it does not matter...if he cared as much as he made me think while we were going out he never would have broken up with me in the first place, nevermind a second time...i remember when he told me he wanted to spend forever with me...i remember when we randomly decided to go for chinese food at like 1130 at night and he said it was good because ::cough cough::someone didnt like chinese food...i just want him as a friend::tear::
 
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here goes...   
12:17am 11/12/2002
 
mood: depressed
well i think i realised what i am doing...i think i am telling myself i am over dave cuz i think it will make things different, but it hasnt...i still have all my pictures of him and everything else...everything reminds me of him...grrr.
i am taking these pills to quit smoking...i think they are making me sick...it is wellbutrin which is an anti-deppresant...it has made my appetite like nothing, when i am always hungry...and it is making me glum when i am always cheerful...tonight i talked to andre on the phone for like an hour and a half talking about the parties we had at his house and the way things used to be...it was always so much fun...we were talking about how everyone are fucks and dont like to party anymore...we talked about like everything we brought up a ton of times from when we all hung out at his house...i miss it...i was soooo close with all those guys and now the only one i talk to is andre and occassionaly squires...we were talking about going to florida to see andy...that would be great...we talked about relationships and how they ALWAYS turn out bad in the end no matter what.
i dont wanna start trouble between dave and his friends...but he seems to get mad at them if they hang out with me...they are my friends too...i dont know what to do anymore...i could sit at my house and do nothing...maybe not.
i tried to quit my job today cuz i am going back to anton's, but he talked me out of it...now in two weeks anyways i am going to me working monday, wednesday, thursday and saturday at anton's...and tuesday and sundays at papa ginos...at least i will save up enough money by summer to buy a new car...a good car...yesssss!!!!
i have to go christmas shopping this weekend...i have sooo many ppl to buy for.
yesterday and today i went to my moms house, i helped her decorate a christmas tree...she has two and me and her call the one upstairs mine...haha...i love my mom...a lot of stuff at her house reminds me of dave...my tree is in her loft right next to the bad dave and i used to sleep on, and she has pictures of me and dave from prom in picture frames on her wall...grr...i wish he could understand how i feel and know that it is ok to trust me...and know that i am completely in love with him and make him feel like we were made to be together like i felt every moment i was with him...i hate boys right now.
-Rachel
 
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hmm...   
11:15pm 07/12/2002
  well then end of my week was pretty boring. i worked a lot. today was krystals birthday and we had a little get together. i slept over her house last night. frank and eric came over around 1230, matt came over when he got out of work, and amanda and rich came over when amanda got out of work. then we all went to the mall. i spent fifty dollars on shoes when i spent sixty dollars on shoes last weekend. oh man. i love shoes so much. i had a very fun day, i also got a new sweater. i love it, it is so warm. tomorrow i have work all day which should be a lot of fun, only not so much, haha. i think im out.
xoxo*Rache*
 
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lalala   
02:43pm 04/12/2002
  well...i cut my hair and dyed it black, it looks a lot better then i thought it would...i got my new glasses, they look cute...krystal has slept over my house every night this week...she might as well move in...haha...i have had a very splendid week so far indeed...im not gonna say everything i did...but yesterday i got frank picked me up from school at 12 so i could go get my glasses, then we went and got food, then he brought me to the bank and to erics house...matt picked me and eric up at 3 and we went to eds house for there band practice...they are so good...i had to work at 515 tho, so matt brought me to my house to get changed and then he brought me to work...i am officially over dave...somone told me something he said and it just did it...when he first broke up with me he told eric not to hang out with me cuz i am a bad person...thats crap...funny cuz i hang out with eric like everyday...and you dont tell eric not to hang out with me, he is like my brother...i hate dave, he is an asshole...im hanging ot with meghan and krystal today...i love my girls...haha...next monday is the rehearsal for my chorus show and next thursday is my chorus show, it is at 7 if anyone would like to come...hehe...but im out...love to you all.
xoxo
*Rache*
 
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as the tear runs dry...   
12:46am 01/12/2002
 
mood: heartbroken
i wonder if i could have made things better.i used to be open minded about most things until i made the mistake.allowing him to lose all trust and faith in me.i still wonder how he managed to get over everything so quick.i am managing to make problem by problem.i wonder if things could be better.could i allow things to be better?could i forget and leave behind everything that ever mattered.could i allow myself to be happy knowing on the inside that i never am.could i hold in the hurt and wish for it to decompose.i wish he would go far away.i wish i did not think about things that hurt.knowing i have my friends is good, but it does not change my feelings.i remember every talk, every kiss, especially every kiss.i know that no kiss will ever be so sweet.that no heart will ever be as content as mine was with him.when we used to fall asleep and knowing he was there would make me fall asleep so much better.knowing he was there made me wake up so much better.even if he did not sleep over he would usually stay til i fell asleep.his gentle words made my heart melt.i just keep remembering how we used to talk, and laugh, and cry TOGETHER.that we could always make each other feel better.im not ready for this.im not ready for this ever.it hurts it hurts so bad.open up your heart to me i want you to know i care.
grr
 
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12:08am 01/12/2002
  i have had a pretty good few days...thursday was thanksgiving...joyce slept over...then friday i went to teh eye doctors and got my new pink glasses, then i had work...i had to work until 10 it kinda sucked...then today i kinda went on a shopping spree, it was excellent...i got a breakfast club shirt..."when you grow up your heart dies"...excellent excellent...tonight i went to a show at the boys and girls club...fun fun...it was ok...guess who was there...mr.wonderful...he lost his keys...jake said something and then i went in and looked where he was sitting and i found them...he did not seem to grateful when i gave them to him...his van is apparently broken and he had his dads truck, but it died...fun fun...then i went to franks house.

i keep waiting for the moment when i will get to hold you and kiss your tears away and tell you things will always be ok cuz we will be together...maybe someday i will get that chance...the love that is in my heart will never belong to anyone else.
im out
this sucks
grrr
xoxo*Rache*
 
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11:42pm 27/11/2002
 
mood: uncomfortable
well...i seem to be noticing how much people care about me more and more everyday...not...haha...well tomorrow is thanksigiving...i love it...the one day you can eat all day long and have an excuse for it...it will be boring, but good food is a plus...the sad part is i was supposed to go to daves uncles house with him...i hate making plans with your boyfriends far ahead of time and then you end up breaking up...so now i am left to sit at my house all day long...it shall be fun...im beginning to realise how fun life is...haha...did you notice the sarcasm...im having a grand old time...i think i am too tired...a lot of things have been bothering me lately...i dont know why...it is kind of weird...i am going shopping saturday which shall be fun...i am getting my new glasses on friday...yay...pink glasses have to be about the most splendid thing they ever came up with...i cant wait...they are so cute...i have never been excited about getting new glasses before...my brother is watching the fast and the furious...there are some hotties in that movie...i went to my dads girlfriends house tonight and made apple pie with her...it was fun...i am babysitting my neice...it is easy, she is asleep...but i got 25 dollars and a pack of butts out of it...hahaha...i love my sister...i think im out cuz i am just kinda blabbering on now.love to all my friends.
i <3 Krystal and Dale
xoxo*Rache*
 
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